The Spa Mistress

The spa experience in Korea is one that I highly recommend. Not only are the spas exceptional, they also embody an authentic representation of Korean standards for beauty. I haphazardly came upon my spa through a co-worker, when I was asking where I could tan in the winter.

Note: Tanning beds are very rare in Korea, as the Korean standard for beauty is a white and unfreckled complexion. It should also be noted that the average bra-size for a Korean woman is 32A, which culturally predisposes the Koreans to an often morbid fascination with large, tan, breasts.

That being said, I met with the Spa Mistress, an extremely beautiful Geisha-faced woman, in her early 40's, whose authoritative and classy air is enough to intimidate even this plucky westerner. Luckily for me, she speaks broken English, and is able to communicate well enough to understand "tanning", "eye-brow waxing", and "massage". Little did I know, I was about to witness the extent of her English (and her many other talents) when she showed me upstairs to the tanning room, and demanded, in almost perfect English, that I undress:

"Ok, now. Lotion for the skin, to keep soft. Take cloth off."

"Excuse me?"

"Take cloth off, I must rub on your back and front. For the skin to keep soft, so you not look like old grandmother." She said this making a "skin-a rabbit" gesture, with an authority that let me know there would be no argument.

I undressed hurriedly, and she began slathering lotion all over my back, neck, and buttox. She then forcefully spun me around, and squirted cold lotion all over my chest, shoulders, and stomach. At this point, I was completely mortified and convinced that I had just stepped into every American man's fantasy, while my Spa Mistress behaved as though this sequence of events was the most natural thing in the world.

"Ok, now the boobies."

"Excuse me?"

"Now the boobs. I will do the boobs."

And she began rubbing lotion on my breasts rather aggressively. Now, I'm no prude, but having my "girls" rubbed vigorously by a middle-aged Korean spa owner is not exactly on my list of Top 10 International Fantasies, though it certainly started taking a turn toward the more erotic when she began whispering,

"Oh, they are very nice. Very nice. Big, and nice."

"Um, thank you." I said, through gritted teeth, not knowing if I was going to laugh or cry.

"Very nice. Like the Greek. Like Goddess. Yes! Like Big Greek Goddess!"

Then, giving me a slap on my well-lubricated bottom, she toweled her hands, and turned the knob on the tanning bed.

" Ok, 15 minutes. Turn over. 15 minutes more. Turn over again...flippy. You turn over when done...like chicken."

And with that, she left me standing alone, naked, and extremely bemused.